Reflections on season enders

After the gruesome injury of Gordon Hayward, I found myself in deep reflection. The words from his teammates, words from fellow NBA ballers, and even words from the most hated player, the Black Mamba, sent me into very deep thoughts. Hayward’s season ending injury touched me deeply because: 1) I am a basketball fan and want to see the Celtics do nothing but win. They worked so hard to come to where they are now and winning is important for those who put in the work. 2) His injury reminded me of my life. I have had many season ending injuries and NEEDED to work my way back from them. And when I say injuries, I do not mean of this type. Sure, I’ve had quite a few very painful fractures but nothing compared to this.  My season ending injuries were a little bit more personal. They were setbacks. They were breakups. They were discouragements. They were ending friendships. They were the rebound relationships. They were not getting what I thought I needed, when I thought I needed them. These were things that I planned my life around and they fell short because it just was not my time. They were the letting myself be okay with not being perfect, even though people in my life may view me as such.

Now, the injury was very touching but my God, the inspiration, the deep thoughts, the nightly reflections stems from the recovery process, the mental rehab, the support, the discouragements, the confusion that comes with season ending injuries were the crux of my reflections and continues to be. As I reflect on my season ending injuries and think about how they keep me up at night, bring tears that I shed in the comfort of my solitude,  isolate me from my environment, and create anxious expectations from me, Hayward’s words bring to a place of peace and motivates me to move forward. Season ending injuries are just that. They last for a specific season and with continued motivation, continued rehab, continued work, I improve. Season ending injuries are temporary, in fact, they prepare you for better and greater things ahead.

As I reflect, I see this. I recall a particular season ending injury and how I grew from it. I am a better person after having gone through this. I am better equipped to teach my sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, sisters, brothers how to move from this particular injury. Rehab from this injury not only taught me how to move past it, but also, taught me how to avoid it. One of my above mentioned fractures (see first paragraph) was a thumb fracture. I danced for a long time and when dancing, you learn to fall a specific way. You learn to catch yourself to avoid painful thumps to the ground. You learn to fall gracefully. This particular fracture was as a result of a fall. I did not apply the techniques I learned properly. Moving forward, this fall scared me into submission. I am more conscious of how I will land when I fall and remember to apply the techniques I learned in the past. Application is key. This is what season ending injuries are about. It is not to scare you from doing things again but they teach you how to move on, how to not let it happen again, and how to be stronger and better after. Will they happen again? Yes. I would be lying if I said certain injuries will not occur again. I do not believe in “to win you must lose but losing is a natural part of life.”

I’m using season ending injuries as an example and you might still be thinking, “I’ve never hurt myself before.” You are missing the point. It is not about hurting yourself but it is about the hurdles, the trials, the tribulations, the losses, the deaths, the breakups, that we face in life. Your season might have just lasted a day but there are lessons to be learned even in daily season injuries.

It is hard to prepare ahead for these season injuries, as often they occur so suddenly. But fear not, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am a living proof that joy does indeed come in the morning. You will find your true purpose, even during your recovery period. But I warn you, take the time to recover. Take the time to heal. Broken people cannot prosper. You will be toxic to your surroundings, including yourself. You cannot move forward you if you find comfort in your pain.

I truly hope you were able to grasp something from this post. I pray that whatever season injury you are currently facing brings a happy and healthy recovery.

How do you deal with season ending injuries?

En tout cas,

Me.

Advertisements

A teenage regression

I am grown. I have grown. I have experienced growth. I am grateful. Now though, in this very moment, in my current space, I feel 16. I feel 16 and not because I am experiencing some crazy teenage love or that childish simplicity. I am 16 because now, at 3something, where I have accomplished one of my most important goal, where I have seen and experienced the trauma, where I have found my peace, I find myself going back to the year I was forced to grow up. The year I did not get to experience because life veered off course. I find myself not really fitting into anything right now because I feel 16. I feel the weight of 16+ off my shoulder. I feel whole. I feel superior to my trials. I feel like the leader of my wilderness. I feel like I can fly because I have overcome. I feel like I owe it to myself to give myself back the year I lost.

How does one act 16? That’s the thing, at 16, I don’t know how to act. I want to be free and I act on my freedom. I want to live my truth and I am living it. I want to rebel against all institutions that bind me and I am knee deep in rebellion. I want to do things on my own terms and now, my terms are priorities. I do not want to be bound by the rules (with the exception of the law..because, well you know) and there currently are no rules.

And because I am grown, I am a responsible 16. I am making good choices. I am deciding who stays and who goes. I am not allowing my heart to experience 16 year old pain. I am being intentional. I am not hiding the truth. I am being purposeful.

I am going with the flow. I’m centered. I’m prayed up. I am watching as God surprises me. I am working on obedience. I am accepting. I am being.  I am 16.

 

Teach me how to…

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.” Am I the only one that is obsessed with William Shakespeare?  Anyway, the past 29 months have been inundated with learning. I’ve learned so much law to last me a life time. It’s at a point when I want to partake in certain activities, I’m wondering if there’s a Mass. Gen. Law prohibiting it. Besides the law, I’ve learned different things about myself. Some of these things, about me, require a little adjustment (always wanting to be in control and being skeptical of everything and everyone), some I’ve grown to love and stand fiercely in support, and some, not too sure how I feel about, but they are part of the package. I’m sharing because as mentioned in my last post, honesty is crucial. I come raw as ever, mostly because I expect the same in return.

I’ve learned….

To just be. For me, this means to do what I want, feel how I want, love how I want, move how I want, and so on. I don’t want to apologize for being in this space. It’s my time and I’ve given myself permission to be there.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to invite new people into my space because sometimes they help remove the venom of those already in. I’ve always struggled with letting people in because I feared disappointment, I feared lies, I feared people taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I feared people preying on me instead of praying for me. New, good, people are breaths of fresh air. Can’t say they won’t disappoint but my God, they serve a good purpose.

I’ve learned that I am hella skeptical, as above-mentioned. I need to trust more, but this comes with a series of heartbreaks. Not every will always inflict pain. I subscribe heavy to Proverbs 4:23 though: “Above all, guard your heart because everything flows from it.” Truth is, I’m scared and that’s the God honest truth.

I’ve learned that I am fierce protector of every one of my relationships. I literally use my heart as a shield because I want to preserve these relationships. I want them to be healthy and so I guard them. Anything I think isn’t good for them, I keep them away, including people. True story: I have different groups of friends and they’ve only recently come together during my graduation. They love each other, and I’m happy to be that glue that connects them all.

I didn’t recently learn this and some of you already know, but I like to have control. I’m learning to release. Feels good. I’ll have random moments though where things are not going how I think they should, and I’ll bow out gracefully.

I’ve learned that I have no problem leaving toxic relationships. I only want pure and true energy around me. I will exit if your energy disrupts my well-being ( I really mean aura here, but for the sake of simplicty, lol).

I’ve learned that Ritalin and Adderall do not work for me. I’ve learned to calm my ass down in other ways. Trial and error. You’re probably thinking, you don’t seem hyperactive. LOL

Finally, I’ve learned a multitude of other lessons that don’t need explanation:

Give wholeheartedly with zero expectations.

Have zero expectations.

Chase after my freedom.

Love without bounds, those that deserve.

Speak life into my dreams.

Protect my space.

Be open to new things.

Never cease my prayers.

Have you learned anything recently? Care to share?

En tout cas,

Me

 

My vice

The other day I was getting so excited about love. I even mentioned to myself how even saying the words “I love you” was felt deep down in my belly (or somewhere close lol). It was a warm feeling,  and truly felt like butterflies. That feeling I got confirmed that it came from the abyss of my soul, and that it was genuine.  My love outburst or for this purpose, bubble was shortly popped.                  

I came across this verse that is often said during weddings, and other love oriented ceremonies. ” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” My sentiments were not uttered at any of the aforementioned events, in fact they were stated for my own edification- obviously still valid. I stumbled when I read patient. Immediately thoughts of guilt clouded my mind. My love, my being, my way of life was neglected of one of the key elements of love.

I lack patience in every aspect of my life. This vice allows me to make rash and sometimes brash decisions.  It allows me to be frustrated.  It allows me to get upset even when a simple waiting could have cured this. It allows me to want to do it all by myself rendering me to be at times selfish and untrusting of the ability of others to do for me. It allows for me to be an overachiever. It allows for me to take shortcuts instead of trusting the process.  It allows me to feel good when I feel exhausted because I think accomplishing it all on my own is a good fait accomplis. It allows the thoughts of “bust out the windows of his car” cue Jazmine  Sullivan when a simple hear me out would have sufficed for everyone. It allows me to deep sigh and handle situations aggressively instead of with care and compassion.  It allows me to feel like I should retract my I love you because to build patience is an uncomfortable process that I am not prepared for–but I won’t.
                             
You might be reading this and think “Girl, it’s not that big of a deal.” But if we want to be honest with ourselves it truly is. When is a missing part of a whole ever OK?  Can you bake a cake and leave out that 1 teaspoon of baking powder they ask for? Being impatient makes my love liable to fall apart. It makes it immature. It makes it stagnant. It makes it weak, and makes me weak. It makes those butterflies that I feel flutter in vain because if it’s not willing to be whole what’s the point.

I’m holding myself accountable to mend this broken part of me. I’m in no rush because it’s going to be a task. I’m working at working through my discomfort because what lies ahead is so beautiful and so worth it.

Do you have a vice? Does it make you sick?  Does it make you uncomfortable? Does it make you feel incomplete?  Mine does.

En tout cas,
Me

My vows to forever

My schedule has cleared up a little bit, and I’ve got some time on my hand. I take a vow to listen. There has been so much going on around me, and I haven’t had a chance to just listen, and be obedient to the positive thoughts that infiltrate my spirit…my entire being.

I haven’t had a moment to reflect on my blessings, the beauty of love that surrounds me, and letting light completely penetrate my core.

I vow to feed my spirit fruits of joy, exciting challenges, wholesome love and truths.

I vow to make sacrifices for myself in order to reach my life resolution to succeed- forsaking all negative energy, all toxic relationships, and all things false.

I vow to be patient as the desire of my heart is being fulfilled. Praying fervently that the decision I made was indeed the path I should have gone– for now it’s all I know.

I vow to be slow to anger and be more inviting. I am sure I’ll be better for it.

I’m excited to grow, and these applied vows shall be evidence of my growth. I’ve hanged my disappointments, my attempts to give up, and decided to live.

Amen.Ashe (so be it),

Me

So in love

I use to think I knew what love was until last weekend. I’ve felt it, I’ve experienced it, I’ve learned about it, and I have read about it. Most importantly I studied it via John the Baptist who lays out the foundation on how to love through Christ. Last weekend I attended a close family friends’ engagement party. Prior to attending I was a little nervous because I was spending the weekend with the whole family. I have only met two, and though they were great I wasn’t sure about the others (only because I hadn’t met them yet).

After what seemed like a long drive we arrived to White Plains (Westchester County), NY and I took a much needed nap. As I drifted in and out of sleep I was wondering how the interaction would be once the family came home. Would we have great conversations? Would they like me? Would we have anything to discuss? This went on for a few hours until it was time for me to run some errands with the mom (who I have met). Conversation with her was great. She asked me how I was doing, I helped her with her errands and we made our first stop to pick up one of her daughters. She greeted me immediately with a hug and a smile. I breathed a sigh of relief. This won’t be so bad after all. We exchanged some words until we dropped her off to pick up another daughter. Conversation with her too was off to a great start. My fears immediately disappeared. We got home, and the eldest daughter was already home. We hugged, kissed and exchanged I haven’t seen you in so longs. I immediately got to work helping them with the many projects to prepare for Saturday’s festivities. My first night with the family was a success.

Throughout working and interacting with the sisters and other family members I began to feel some sort of connection. Not only a connection with them, but also a connection within my spirit. There was so much love and light being poured out from them that you couldn’t possibly not be touched. Throughout my short time with them I fell in love. I fell in love with myself, I fell in love with my spirit and I fell in love with life and everything that it embodies. How does one fall in love in such a short period of time? Love is such a strong element that it physically, mentally and spiritually attacks you without a blink of an eye. Love puts a strong hold on your heart once you ALLOW it, and it will take a force stronger than the Universe (impossible) to remove this element from your life.

Last weekend I became a believer of love at first sight. I learned that throwing love out there will not only benefit those that need it, but it will also mend my torn interior. I have to continuously remind myself that I won’t feel like this all the time. There are days where I will feel like the world is crumbling at my feet, and there won’t be any where to turn. In spite of these shortcomings that will for sure enter my world love will still have a home in my spirit.

For now I am thankful for this love that has completely taken over. I am thankful for that weekend in White Plains with 3 amazing women that helped me began my journey of finding true love and light. I pray that they will be showered with blessings and continue to have a spirit that inspires change.

 

En tout cas (in any case),

Me