Teach me how to…

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.” Am I the only one that is obsessed with William Shakespeare? Anyway, the past 29 months have been inundated with learning. I’ve learned so much law to last me a life time. It’s at a point when I want to partake in certain activities, I’m wondering if there’s a Mass. Gen. Law prohibiting it. Besides the law, I’ve learned different things about myself. Some of these things, about me, require a little adjustment (always wanting to be in control and being skeptical of everything and everyone), some I’ve grown to love and stand fiercely in support, and some, not too sure how I feel about, but they are part of the package. I’m sharing because as mentioned in my last post, honesty is crucial. I come raw as ever, mostly because I expect the same in return.

I’ve learned….

To just be. For me, this means to do what I want, feel how I want, love how I want, move how I want, and so on. I don’t want to apologize for being in this space. It’s my time and I’ve given myself permission to be there.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to invite new people into my space because sometimes they help remove the venom of those already in. I’ve always struggled with letting people in because I feared disappointment, I feared lies, I feared people taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I feared people preying on me instead of praying for me. New, good, people are breaths of fresh air. Can’t say they won’t disappoint but my God, they serve a good purpose.

I’ve learned that I am hella skeptical, as above-mentioned. I need to trust more, but this comes with a series of heartbreaks. Not every will always inflict pain. I subscribe heavy to Proverbs 4:23 though: “Above all, guard your heart because everything flows from it.” Truth is, I’m scared and that’s on God.

I’ve learned that I am fierce protector of every one of my relationships. I literally use my heart as a shield because I want to preserve these relationships. I want them to be healthy and so I guard them. Anything I think isn’t good for them, I keep them away, including people. True story: I have different groups of friends and they’ve only recently come together during my graduation. They love each other, and I’m happy to be that glue that connects them all.

I didn’t recently learn this and some of you already know, but I like to have control. I’m learning to release. Feels good. I’ll have random moments though where things are not going how I think they should, and I’ll bow out gracefully.

I’ve learned that I have no problem leaving toxic relationships. I only want pure and true energy around me. I will exit if your energy disrupts my well-being ( I really mean aura here, but for the sake of simplicty, lol).

I’ve learned that Ritalin and Adderall do not work for me. I’ve learned to calm my ass down in other ways. Trial and error. You’re probably thinking, you don’t seem hyperactive. LOL

Finally, I’ve learned a multitude of other lessons that don’t need explanation:

Give wholeheartedly with zero expectations.

Have zero expectations.

Chase after my freedom.

Love without bounds, those that deserve.

Speak life into my dreams.

Protect my space.

Be open to new things.

Never cease my prayers.

Have you learned anything recently? Care to share?

En tout cas,

Me

A few things about me

1. I’m not a people person, but I like to schmooze. The people I am person’s to…I cherish ♥
2. July 22nd used to be just my close friends’ bday, but now it’s much more.
3. I am the most vulnerable to myself.
4. The story I currently am working on is really about me…No one will ever read it though.
5. I don’t have a daily routine…I enjoy spontaneity.
6. I’m allergic to caffeine (coffee, black tea, chocolate etc…).
7. I don’t eat red meat, seafood, ice cream, and not a fan of chicken.
8. I am first concerned about the impact my children’s father will have in their life.
9. I don’t ever wear my watch.
10. My heart skips a few beats.
11. I have one particular friend that is in sync with my thoughts..my everything (My P.I.G.)
12. I always sit under the table with my shoes off. No matter where I am.
13. I like to wear flip flops in the rain.
14. I’m always smiling.
15. I am my center ♥.
16. Falling out of love was painful. I’m not sure I’ll ever recover.
17. I make pretty cool jewelry, but I don’t like to ever show them to people.
18. This year I just wanted socks for Christmas
19. It doesn’t take much
20. I took a major risk on December 17th, 2012. I am ready for the amazing consequences.

 

En tout cas,

Me

Letter to Jenny from Jenny

Dear Jenny,

You have grown into an incredible woman. Your father first and foremost would have been so proud of your growth- you were his life till death. Your mom is your biggest cheerleader, and you are her heartbeat. She appreciates you and all that you do. Your growth has come in stages. You were once that shy little girl who was scared to blossom and everyone wondered if your quietness would consume you.  You became that mouthy preteen with a pretend chip on her shoulder—deep down you were just trying to find that voice. That period of time was indeed a failed experiment. You became that teenager carrying the world on your shoulder because life took turns beyond your control. You carried it all with so much grace and control. You became a young woman ready to explore life and its possibilities, but the fear of flying was deeply rooted. You put up walls, barbwires, barricades and etc. because anything else would be beyond your control. You let love pass you by because you lacked trust first in yourself. You were a young woman emotionally insecure and feared the brokenness that might have shadowed love. Your late 20’s though is the woman that you were destined to be–so full of life, love and raw emotions that radiates through your pores. You’ve allowed yourself to be vulnerable and that was okay for you. You’ve pushed the envelope further than you’ve ever done and that was okay for you. You’ve made mistakes that you should promise yourself now to never make again and that was okay for you. You’ve fallen so deeply in love and that was okay for you.  You’ve had your heart broken and that was okay for you. One thing though that carried on from then till now is the love for yourself. You never once doubted or had insecurities about Jenny, and that is so beautiful.

There is so much more that you need to do, so much more that you need to see, and so much more that you need to feel.  Always be kind to yourself, your spirit and your body. Don’t let your weakness take advantage of your brain- be steady in control of the beauty that exists so deep in you.  Your life is a learning experience- take it all in and cherish every single detail that you come across as you grow.  Continue to love and forgive everyone and everything—you will be better for it.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made and I love everything about you.

Yours till beauty marks,

Jenny

Image