Twenty-fine

I am turning 29 tomorrow, and I have no clue how to feel. I am no doubt blessed beyond measure, loved without reservation,  trusted without borders, and truly happy. There were times when I’ve expressed thoughts about feeling under accomplished, but quickly hushed because there was no way someone with my accomplishments can feel like they haven’t done enough. My thoughts, however,  were deeper than my educational/career background.  There were these lofty goals that I initially set for myself that I have yet to achieve,  and often times this leads to the aforementioned sentiment.

I’ve also been thinking heavily about my father. In a previous post I’ve mentioned how hard it was for me to even fathom the idea of being a fatherless child. I have since then hung those thoughts.

The void is still there though. It’s even harder as an adult to be without your father because you have certain expectations. My kids won’t have a maternal grandfather. He won’t be there at my law school graduation. He won’t give my man the speech or silent threat when he acts up. And he for sure won’t be able to walk me down the aisle.  At 29 this last part hurts the most. Sure I’ve got uncles, and they love me, but nothing compares to the love  Dave had for me. It was hands down a pure  unadulterated and unshakeable love. I don’t know how some folks can decide to be out of their child’s life by their own volition. The love of a parent is second to God’s love for humanity. I obviously have to muddle through this because this situation will never change.

In order to fill the void of feeling under accomplished and the feeling of being less of a woman because my dad is dead I want to do great things at 29. Some things will be hard because 9 months of it will be spent slaving over law school books, but we’ll see.

1.  Sit on a rooftop in the rain (with someone who won’t get so fed up and push me off lol….because I act up sometimes)    
2. Summer skip day to the beach (in the works….shhhh don’t tell my boss)
3. Participate/Support a strike
4. Freedom trail (did it 12 yrs ago)
5. Learn to ride a bike
6. Become completely vegetarian instead of the part timer I currently am
7. Run a race
8. Still haven’t had my cupcake and champagne (side eye to my sisters)
9.  Adopt a patient lifestyle (did you read my last blog)
10. Watch the entire 2 seasons of Hannibal over and the 3 movies (because I am so confused) 
11. Do a 30 for 30 blog series (That’s when you do a blog post for everyday of the month. I know what you are thinking lol….but I’ll try)

I’ll add more things to this, and probably do things that I don’t want to share.

Everything aside I am excited for 29. I am thankful and eternally grateful for many things. I look forward for this year to be nothing short of amazing.  I am anticipating some hard times, but the good will outweigh the bad.

L’chaim,

Me

Letter to Jenny from Jenny

Dear Jenny,

You have grown into an incredible woman. Your father first and foremost would have been so proud of your growth- you were his life till death. Your mom is your biggest cheerleader, and you are her heartbeat. She appreciates you and all that you do. Your growth has come in stages. You were once that shy little girl who was scared to blossom and everyone wondered if your quietness would consume you.  You became that mouthy preteen with a pretend chip on her shoulder—deep down you were just trying to find that voice. That period of time was indeed a failed experiment. You became that teenager carrying the world on your shoulder because life took turns beyond your control. You carried it all with so much grace and control. You became a young woman ready to explore life and its possibilities, but the fear of flying was deeply rooted. You put up walls, barbwires, barricades and etc. because anything else would be beyond your control. You let love pass you by because you lacked trust first in yourself. You were a young woman emotionally insecure and feared the brokenness that might have shadowed love. Your late 20’s though is the woman that you were destined to be–so full of life, love and raw emotions that radiates through your pores. You’ve allowed yourself to be vulnerable and that was okay for you. You’ve pushed the envelope further than you’ve ever done and that was okay for you. You’ve made mistakes that you should promise yourself now to never make again and that was okay for you. You’ve fallen so deeply in love and that was okay for you.  You’ve had your heart broken and that was okay for you. One thing though that carried on from then till now is the love for yourself. You never once doubted or had insecurities about Jenny, and that is so beautiful.

There is so much more that you need to do, so much more that you need to see, and so much more that you need to feel.  Always be kind to yourself, your spirit and your body. Don’t let your weakness take advantage of your brain- be steady in control of the beauty that exists so deep in you.  Your life is a learning experience- take it all in and cherish every single detail that you come across as you grow.  Continue to love and forgive everyone and everything—you will be better for it.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made and I love everything about you.

Yours till beauty marks,

Jenny

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