Twenty-fine

I am turning 29 tomorrow, and I have no clue how to feel. I am no doubt blessed beyond measure, loved without reservation,  trusted without borders, and truly happy. There were times when I’ve expressed thoughts about feeling under accomplished, but quickly hushed because there was no way someone with my accomplishments can feel like they haven’t done enough. My thoughts, however,  were deeper than my educational/career background.  There were these lofty goals that I initially set for myself that I have yet to achieve,  and often times this leads to the aforementioned sentiment.

I’ve also been thinking heavily about my father. In a previous post I’ve mentioned how hard it was for me to even fathom the idea of being a fatherless child. I have since then hung those thoughts.

The void is still there though. It’s even harder as an adult to be without your father because you have certain expectations. My kids won’t have a maternal grandfather. He won’t be there at my law school graduation. He won’t give my man the speech or silent threat when he acts up. And he for sure won’t be able to walk me down the aisle.  At 29 this last part hurts the most. Sure I’ve got uncles, and they love me, but nothing compares to the love  Dave had for me. It was hands down a pure  unadulterated and unshakeable love. I don’t know how some folks can decide to be out of their child’s life by their own volition. The love of a parent is second to God’s love for humanity. I obviously have to muddle through this because this situation will never change.

In order to fill the void of feeling under accomplished and the feeling of being less of a woman because my dad is dead I want to do great things at 29. Some things will be hard because 9 months of it will be spent slaving over law school books, but we’ll see.

1.  Sit on a rooftop in the rain (with someone who won’t get so fed up and push me off lol….because I act up sometimes)    
2. Summer skip day to the beach (in the works….shhhh don’t tell my boss)
3. Participate/Support a strike
4. Freedom trail (did it 12 yrs ago)
5. Learn to ride a bike
6. Become completely vegetarian instead of the part timer I currently am
7. Run a race
8. Still haven’t had my cupcake and champagne (side eye to my sisters)
9.  Adopt a patient lifestyle (did you read my last blog)
10. Watch the entire 2 seasons of Hannibal over and the 3 movies (because I am so confused) 
11. Do a 30 for 30 blog series (That’s when you do a blog post for everyday of the month. I know what you are thinking lol….but I’ll try)

I’ll add more things to this, and probably do things that I don’t want to share.

Everything aside I am excited for 29. I am thankful and eternally grateful for many things. I look forward for this year to be nothing short of amazing.  I am anticipating some hard times, but the good will outweigh the bad.

L’chaim,

Me

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Staying out my Jewels

19 years ago I made the decision to go to law school. I wasn’t too sure if I was going to actually fulfill the dream, but it was one that I had nonetheless. My main concern was being able to find the voice to advocate for those that  I knew needed me the most. I was frightened at the thought of being so outspoken in the court, but I was silently passionate about saving lives through advocacy. I had no idea what aspect of the law I wanted to focus on, where I wanted to practice or even knew anyone who actually went through the process. My passion was strongly driven by truth and justice. Before I could even bring this dream to fruition I had a job to do. I needed to build myself.

Two years ago I decided that perhaps I needed to change my career focus. I wasn’t worried about being able to practice at this point anymore. I just so happened to become exactly who I needed to be to do this job. I was still quiet, but very outspoken, extra passionate, and vocal. You could say that I made good use of my mouth—(no pause).  I still do that thing where I pick and choose who I want to share me with. If I’m in one of those moods you’ll probably think I never talk, and that’s totally cool. But I decided that I didn’t want to be an attorney anymore because I thought maybe I needed to save lives a different way. I was working at an eating disorder/behavioral health hospital, and felt so drawn to the patient’s there. Experiencing and understanding the struggles that they faced (story for another day—maybe) I thought maybe I can spend the rest of my life deciding levels of care for critically ill anorexic/bulimic patients. That quickly faded because it of course was not my passion. In fact I needed to hightail my fanny out of their so quick because being in that environment will quickly pull you in. Next thing you know you are thinking about how ED can change your life.

Fast-forward to now, and I have finally made the leap! I was so scared of not getting a passing LSAT score, rejection and just plain embarrassment. I mustered up the courage to finish what I started 19 years ago, and went for the goal. I was pretty damn impressed with it all—GLORY. What I was not impressed with was how this exciting part of my life turned into a story about my vagina. Apparently I am getting older and:

Should probably have some babies
I should find a husband instead of trying to be superwoman

I won’t even go into details about how I feel because it’s evident. I don’t let the ignorance phase me because in the end I will be happy when I have completed my 27 months of law school-God willing. But for future reference my vagina is named Lolita, and not Everyone’s business. I do plan on having ‘dem babies though, but I just need to do this for me, and for my future.

Let us live yo.

En tout cas,

Me