Twenty-fine

I am turning 29 tomorrow, and I have no clue how to feel. I am no doubt blessed beyond measure, loved without reservation,  trusted without borders, and truly happy. There were times when I’ve expressed thoughts about feeling under accomplished, but quickly hushed because there was no way someone with my accomplishments can feel like they haven’t done enough. My thoughts, however,  were deeper than my educational/career background.  There were these lofty goals that I initially set for myself that I have yet to achieve,  and often times this leads to the aforementioned sentiment.

I’ve also been thinking heavily about my father. In a previous post I’ve mentioned how hard it was for me to even fathom the idea of being a fatherless child. I have since then hung those thoughts.

The void is still there though. It’s even harder as an adult to be without your father because you have certain expectations. My kids won’t have a maternal grandfather. He won’t be there at my law school graduation. He won’t give my man the speech or silent threat when he acts up. And he for sure won’t be able to walk me down the aisle.  At 29 this last part hurts the most. Sure I’ve got uncles, and they love me, but nothing compares to the love  Dave had for me. It was hands down a pure  unadulterated and unshakeable love. I don’t know how some folks can decide to be out of their child’s life by their own volition. The love of a parent is second to God’s love for humanity. I obviously have to muddle through this because this situation will never change.

In order to fill the void of feeling under accomplished and the feeling of being less of a woman because my dad is dead I want to do great things at 29. Some things will be hard because 9 months of it will be spent slaving over law school books, but we’ll see.

1.  Sit on a rooftop in the rain (with someone who won’t get so fed up and push me off lol….because I act up sometimes)    
2. Summer skip day to the beach (in the works….shhhh don’t tell my boss)
3. Participate/Support a strike
4. Freedom trail (did it 12 yrs ago)
5. Learn to ride a bike
6. Become completely vegetarian instead of the part timer I currently am
7. Run a race
8. Still haven’t had my cupcake and champagne (side eye to my sisters)
9.  Adopt a patient lifestyle (did you read my last blog)
10. Watch the entire 2 seasons of Hannibal over and the 3 movies (because I am so confused) 
11. Do a 30 for 30 blog series (That’s when you do a blog post for everyday of the month. I know what you are thinking lol….but I’ll try)

I’ll add more things to this, and probably do things that I don’t want to share.

Everything aside I am excited for 29. I am thankful and eternally grateful for many things. I look forward for this year to be nothing short of amazing.  I am anticipating some hard times, but the good will outweigh the bad.

L’chaim,

Me

Advertisements

Above all else I guarded my heart

At the tender age of 8 I became a statistic. Society has a way of grouping people who have come across unfortunate circumstances. Unfortunately the death of my father was one of those circumstances that qualified me as one. Though my situation was unknown to those doing the reporting it didn’t really matter. No one really cared about the real story and no one really talked about it. I began to adopt the no one talks about it mentality. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t volunteer information about it and I sure as hell wasn’t going to talk about it. I was in my own little denial bubble hoping that perhaps it was a huge mistake. I almost felt ashamed to let the world know that my father was dead. I remember vividly someone asking me about him while in junior high. I responded with a lie that he still resided in Brooklyn. For some reason my parents being separated was more acceptable to me. What would they say? Would they think I was weird? Would they cast looks of pity my way? Would they talk about the fatherless child behind my back? I needed to protect my dignity, my pride, my ego– all that I began to build at such a young age.

My next what the hell moment came a couple years after. I was in the shower, and having a conversation with someone on the other side of the curtain. “Do you ever think about your father?” I was floored. This was my best kept secret, and I was being violated. There was nothing my strawberry and champagne body wash could do to reverse the damage. I couldn’t let them in that deep. I responded quickly with the “I don’t really talk about that attitude.” Believe my response was enough. No prodding questions or ever going back to the topic.

I never really grieved for him because I never really accepted it. I was in the shower again (magic happens there y’all…let me tell ya. Well maybe not ;-)) my semester of grad school when it dawned on me. Oh s&*%# he isn’t coming back. This was my big ah ha moment. I finally had my breakdown, my moment of catharses, my denial washed down the drain with caress body wash suds and tears. I rinsed off my regrets, my suds and my tears and started fresh.

My father was dead, I was alive, I was by my own definition no longer a statistic and I had tons of reading to do. I couldn’t let this bring me to a place of darkness. A place where I lived for so many years. I needed to allow myself to feel, but I couldn’t let my feelings consume me. I think I was mad at myself for not accepting this fate so long ago. I had such tight reigns on my emotions though. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything outside of over achieving. I was an over achieving lover, over achieving friend and student. I needed to be better than what was set for me. Something I still need to work on. After coming to grips with the current I felt free. I can look at pictures without guilt, I can talk about it without feeling embarrassed and I can share memories. It was okay for him to not be around and love him. I forgave myself for not accepting the memories I had and wanting more. I forgave his spirit for abandoning me and embraced the man that taught me how to love a man by loving me.

Yours till the rain bows DCC.

En tout cas (in any case),

Me