Teach me how to…

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.” Am I the only one that is obsessed with William Shakespeare?  Anyway, the past 29 months have been inundated with learning. I’ve learned so much law to last me a life time. It’s at a point when I want to partake in certain activities, I’m wondering if there’s a Mass. Gen. Law prohibiting it. Besides the law, I’ve learned different things about myself. Some of these things, about me, require a little adjustment (always wanting to be in control and being skeptical of everything and everyone), some I’ve grown to love and stand fiercely in support, and some, not too sure how I feel about, but they are part of the package. I’m sharing because as mentioned in my last post, honesty is crucial. I come raw as ever, mostly because I expect the same in return.

I’ve learned….

To just be. For me, this means to do what I want, feel how I want, love how I want, move how I want, and so on. I don’t want to apologize for being in this space. It’s my time and I’ve given myself permission to be there.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to invite new people into my space because sometimes they help remove the venom of those already in. I’ve always struggled with letting people in because I feared disappointment, I feared lies, I feared people taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I feared people preying on me instead of praying for me. New, good, people are breaths of fresh air. Can’t say they won’t disappoint but my God, they serve a good purpose.

I’ve learned that I am hella skeptical, as above-mentioned. I need to trust more, but this comes with a series of heartbreaks. Not every will always inflict pain. I subscribe heavy to Proverbs 4:23 though: “Above all, guard your heart because everything flows from it.” Truth is, I’m scared and that’s the God honest truth.

I’ve learned that I am fierce protector of every one of my relationships. I literally use my heart as a shield because I want to preserve these relationships. I want them to be healthy and so I guard them. Anything I think isn’t good for them, I keep them away, including people. True story: I have different groups of friends and they’ve only recently come together during my graduation. They love each other, and I’m happy to be that glue that connects them all.

I didn’t recently learn this and some of you already know, but I like to have control. I’m learning to release. Feels good. I’ll have random moments though where things are not going how I think they should, and I’ll bow out gracefully.

I’ve learned that I have no problem leaving toxic relationships. I only want pure and true energy around me. I will exit if your energy disrupts my well-being ( I really mean aura here, but for the sake of simplicty, lol).

I’ve learned that Ritalin and Adderall do not work for me. I’ve learned to calm my ass down in other ways. Trial and error. You’re probably thinking, you don’t seem hyperactive. LOL

Finally, I’ve learned a multitude of other lessons that don’t need explanation:

Give wholeheartedly with zero expectations.

Have zero expectations.

Chase after my freedom.

Love without bounds, those that deserve.

Speak life into my dreams.

Protect my space.

Be open to new things.

Never cease my prayers.

Have you learned anything recently? Care to share?

En tout cas,

Me

 

Sloppy Mondays

Today was by far one of the hardest days of my work life. It was heavy, intense and maybe a little stressful. I’m not sure I’m even suppose to share it with you all because of hipaa, but I will. Part of my job these next few months is to recruit English speaking patients with cancer for a clinical trial. This trial is a little different because all of our patients participating will get assistance. We are testing to see whether or not a patient that receives navigation with or without legal training is the most beneficial.

What’s the big deal you ask? Well when I go in to speak to these patients they have just learned of their cancer diagnosis. They are in the midst of falling apart, and wondering if they will live to see next year. The surgeon has just told them whether the cancer has invasively and savagely spread throughout their being or it’s just a small part that will either lead to a single or double mastectomy. Either way of course the news is devastating. Here I am after the grim reaper has delivered her news providing resources for this woman who you just can’t help but sympathize with.

Yesterdays patient toyed with my emotions the most. This recently homeless woman from Liberia with children back home and in Texas. She has no one in her present corner, and her body riddled with other ailments. Here I come strolling in offering my hand and she asks me to be her best friend. I offer my hand, but she demands my heart. Something I try to limit sharing, but this woman needed me to be everything she did not have. I spent a good hour in there mothering her, comforting her, providing her incentives if she promised to just eat 3 meals a day. All she wanted from me was my love, and I had no choice but to lay it down for her. She explained how she struggled with the little amount of money she received on a monthly basis. She reiterated to me how God was so good to her, and at a weak point I’m thinking really boo? But that wasn’t mine to take away. I accepted and believed it because I knew the feeling of comfort my faith brings me daily.

The kicker was when I asked her how she was getting home. She used her last $1.50 to get here and was to embarrassed to ask. In the end she went home with  a little more than she needed, and that was good enough for her.

This woman CL drew out of me emotions I never knew I had. I rant about poor bedside manners and not having even the slightest bit of patience, but boy was I wrong. I also learned to love instantly because sometimes all you need is for someone to carry you through it. Now I probably will not have a chance to interact with her again, but I am sending her so much love, spirit, light and healing vibes. Can you spare a piece of yours and join me?

En tout cas,

Me