Wearing Everything on my sleeve

There was this one Tuesday when I wanted to crawl back into my bed. I wanted to stick my middle finger to the whole wide world, and no one was going to stop me. I think I mustered enough strength to beat Mayweather in a ring full of barbwires to not say screw you to the first person that wished me good morning. I woke up so pissy you would think I slept on the wrong side of someone else’s bed upside down. Today had to be the day where I took all 4 of my nips to work because I wanted to be numb. Not sure why I woke up feeling like this, but I was ungrateful for every breath that I took that morning.

Fast-forward to 8:30, and I am strutting into work with my extra pouty lips, eyeliner and mascara to accentuate the attitude I planned on having the entire day. Being the softy (insert your eye roll here) that I am I just couldn’t do it. As soon as I got to work my whole ice queen thing melted. The first person I see is our old maintenance man.  He stops me while mid-strut and tells me how he enjoys seeing me every morning. Immediately my creep radar comes up, but disappears as quickly as it came in. He continues to tell me how pleasant my spirit is, and how there is so much joy in my soul. He instructed me to keep doing whatever it was that I was doing because it was radiating through my entire being, and giving him light. I graciously thanked him for noticing this about me, and told him what I usually say “I’m just tryna hug the world”.

As I walked away I felt awkward because what he saw was not what I felt that particular morning. I felt like I wanted to be in bed, and sleeping instead of sharing the love and light that I know I have to give. I didn’t need him to validate anything about me, but I needed to be exposed. I needed to truly understand that underneath all the vile venom that I was shooting out this morning there was something that someone needed that I had. I needed to keep my light untainted, unselfish, and uncompromised because my light is good and worthy to be shared.

I also became a little confused about my early morning feelings. Was it really a feeling? Was it just a state of mind? Is my love really that strong? Does love over power hate? How will someone know when I’m really upset if my love was so transparent? It made me really uncomfortable that everything that I am, and will ever be was just laid out there for the world to take a piece of. I want to share it, but what if someone takes it all? Do I need a signed agreement regarding the terms of my love?  

Thankfully I ended the day on a much different note, but still so much to think about. I’ve come a long way from the person who was so hard to read, so hard to break down, and never showing emotion to the girl who loves so much it bleeds through her exterior.

En tout cas,

Me 

Throwing out my life map

“But when they came to Harran, they settled there.”

    I’ve probably read this passage in Genesis where Tera is described to have settled in Harran a few times, but it never resonated with me. Harran wasn’t his destination, but Canaan was. For some reason or other he did not complete his destination and became stuck in a place where he 1. Probably had no business being 2. A place where his growth became stagnant.  He didn’t even try to finish his journey. I wonder if he had any what ifs.

      For the past couple of months I found myself in Tera’s position.  Life took me on a journey to a place where I did not belong. Throughout being in this place I became increasingly frustrated.  I did not choose this path, I did not steer off course and I did not look back. How did I end up being so lost when I had clear directions about where I was heading? Everything was mapped out before I hit go because like I’ve mentioned before failing is never an option.

       I found myself falling into old habits of being quick, rash and even a bit neurotic when trying to get back on what I thought was the right path. I stubbornly refused to concede and even change the road I wanted to travel to. Not once did I think, “why would you take the road that got you lost the first place.” I’ve also got a nasty little habit of not stopping till I get it right…even if that means beating a dead horse. We all know that beating a dead horse gets you no where.

       I finally reached a place where my back was against the wall, and I needed to go back to the drawing board. I was so upset, and feelings of bitterness and resentment overflowed. My heart was absent of the love and light that I’ve mastered and shared. I needed to start over, and I wasn’t happy about it. It didn’t even phase me that I would eventually get to my destination because the fact that I had to take another route blew my mind.

      I needed to let go all of that anger because I needed to think clearly to start over. I rolled my eyes and got to moving. Unlike Tera though my destination lies clear in front of me, and I haven’t ignored my call to the end of this road. I don’t know his reason for being stationery in an unknown place, but when I was there I was blinded and felt powerless. I couldn’t imagine not making moves to get to my promise land.
I don’t have any philosophic reasons on why you shouldn’t settle because that’s your business. If you’re okay with being stagnant and not reaching your  full potential–do you, boo. If the place you’ve stopped at is where you are predestined I would be leading you to failure, and that’s not my intention.  You also probably thought i was going to say something to the effect of going through storms are necessary in life or some bs with the same thought–nah.

Now that I’m on the right track I understand that there are some twists and turns when trying to get somewhere. I’m not okay with knowing that this may occur, but I’m welcoming them. Being angry held me back, and I don’t want that again.

     I’m so thankful that I’ve been given an opportunity to start over and a different map to follow.

Be light y’all

En tout cas,
Me

Anger brands you!

Anger brands you!

I burned myself accidentally last week. Was so upset about something I walked into the heater wet and partially nude. My anger blinded me, and consequently branded me. I’ve got 12 circles to remind me to let go!

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