Building

It was never my intent to post so inconsistently, but alas this is the end result. I’ve been so busy building our empire that things have taken back seats. I say no to everything and have neglected a few things. Don’t be alarmed– I don’t work in vein. I pray fervently that the fruits of my labor will soon be displayed in all it’s glory. In the meantime ignore the furrowed brows, my consistent no’s and my absent mind. My heart is in its right place, but my future not yet accounted for. 

Excuse me while I just do work.

En tout cas,

Me

Throwing out my life map

“But when they came to Harran, they settled there.”

    I’ve probably read this passage in Genesis where Tera is described to have settled in Harran a few times, but it never resonated with me. Harran wasn’t his destination, but Canaan was. For some reason or other he did not complete his destination and became stuck in a place where he 1. Probably had no business being 2. A place where his growth became stagnant.  He didn’t even try to finish his journey. I wonder if he had any what ifs.

      For the past couple of months I found myself in Tera’s position.  Life took me on a journey to a place where I did not belong. Throughout being in this place I became increasingly frustrated.  I did not choose this path, I did not steer off course and I did not look back. How did I end up being so lost when I had clear directions about where I was heading? Everything was mapped out before I hit go because like I’ve mentioned before failing is never an option.

       I found myself falling into old habits of being quick, rash and even a bit neurotic when trying to get back on what I thought was the right path. I stubbornly refused to concede and even change the road I wanted to travel to. Not once did I think, “why would you take the road that got you lost the first place.” I’ve also got a nasty little habit of not stopping till I get it right…even if that means beating a dead horse. We all know that beating a dead horse gets you no where.

       I finally reached a place where my back was against the wall, and I needed to go back to the drawing board. I was so upset, and feelings of bitterness and resentment overflowed. My heart was absent of the love and light that I’ve mastered and shared. I needed to start over, and I wasn’t happy about it. It didn’t even phase me that I would eventually get to my destination because the fact that I had to take another route blew my mind.

      I needed to let go all of that anger because I needed to think clearly to start over. I rolled my eyes and got to moving. Unlike Tera though my destination lies clear in front of me, and I haven’t ignored my call to the end of this road. I don’t know his reason for being stationery in an unknown place, but when I was there I was blinded and felt powerless. I couldn’t imagine not making moves to get to my promise land.
I don’t have any philosophic reasons on why you shouldn’t settle because that’s your business. If you’re okay with being stagnant and not reaching your  full potential–do you, boo. If the place you’ve stopped at is where you are predestined I would be leading you to failure, and that’s not my intention.  You also probably thought i was going to say something to the effect of going through storms are necessary in life or some bs with the same thought–nah.

Now that I’m on the right track I understand that there are some twists and turns when trying to get somewhere. I’m not okay with knowing that this may occur, but I’m welcoming them. Being angry held me back, and I don’t want that again.

     I’m so thankful that I’ve been given an opportunity to start over and a different map to follow.

Be light y’all

En tout cas,
Me

To do list….

Fall deeply in love….again
Make an eggplant parmesan
Be a kick ass attorney
Apologize
Make beautiful babies
Be gender neutral–always
Run for office (doesn’t have to be political)
Learn to ride a bike
Ride a horse
Continue to be dope 😉

Staying out my Jewels

19 years ago I made the decision to go to law school. I wasn’t too sure if I was going to actually fulfill the dream, but it was one that I had nonetheless. My main concern was being able to find the voice to advocate for those that  I knew needed me the most. I was frightened at the thought of being so outspoken in the court, but I was silently passionate about saving lives through advocacy. I had no idea what aspect of the law I wanted to focus on, where I wanted to practice or even knew anyone who actually went through the process. My passion was strongly driven by truth and justice. Before I could even bring this dream to fruition I had a job to do. I needed to build myself.

Two years ago I decided that perhaps I needed to change my career focus. I wasn’t worried about being able to practice at this point anymore. I just so happened to become exactly who I needed to be to do this job. I was still quiet, but very outspoken, extra passionate, and vocal. You could say that I made good use of my mouth—(no pause).  I still do that thing where I pick and choose who I want to share me with. If I’m in one of those moods you’ll probably think I never talk, and that’s totally cool. But I decided that I didn’t want to be an attorney anymore because I thought maybe I needed to save lives a different way. I was working at an eating disorder/behavioral health hospital, and felt so drawn to the patient’s there. Experiencing and understanding the struggles that they faced (story for another day—maybe) I thought maybe I can spend the rest of my life deciding levels of care for critically ill anorexic/bulimic patients. That quickly faded because it of course was not my passion. In fact I needed to hightail my fanny out of their so quick because being in that environment will quickly pull you in. Next thing you know you are thinking about how ED can change your life.

Fast-forward to now, and I have finally made the leap! I was so scared of not getting a passing LSAT score, rejection and just plain embarrassment. I mustered up the courage to finish what I started 19 years ago, and went for the goal. I was pretty damn impressed with it all—GLORY. What I was not impressed with was how this exciting part of my life turned into a story about my vagina. Apparently I am getting older and:

Should probably have some babies
I should find a husband instead of trying to be superwoman

I won’t even go into details about how I feel because it’s evident. I don’t let the ignorance phase me because in the end I will be happy when I have completed my 27 months of law school-God willing. But for future reference my vagina is named Lolita, and not Everyone’s business. I do plan on having ‘dem babies though, but I just need to do this for me, and for my future.

Let us live yo.

En tout cas,

Me

Got me so crazy right now

Hey there,

You’ve told me countless time last Saturday to not worry about it, but it’s been hard to put it out of my mind.  So I will say what I’ve said over and over again one last time: I am sorry.  I am sorry for a lot of things. Not because of what happened because I think this needed to happen.  I needed to not have control over my emotions for one second and be vulnerable for a few moments—for once in my life. I apologize for putting you in a complicated position right now in your life, and for making you do what is possibly uncharacteristic of you. I imagine what would have happened if time was on our side. I am grateful that it wasn’t. 

I also am sorry for waiting this long to show you this emotional side of me.  I confess it’s always been there, but I am amazing at faking the funk. I can’t really say how this made you feel, but if it were me I would be scared, confused and upset. I would ask myself “Why is she showing me now what I would have liked to see so long ago.”  Truth is I am emotionally insecure particularly when it comes to you. Not sure why or when that began, but I always felt that I shouldn’t ever let you know how I really feel. In the back of my mind it’s always like what you are feeling can’t be real—nothing is ever real (at least not for me or they just never seem real).

I’m sorry for crying because I imagine how that made you feel. It was selfish of me to make the situation even more awkward then it was.  I cried because I fucked up—I truly did. I let my boundaries get in the way of my emotions and I’ve heard a few times eventually the walls come crumbling down. They didn’t need to come down on your kitchen floor—seriously.

To be honest I can’t even recall how this began on Saturday. One minute we were talking then the next I was wrapped in your arms not wanting you to leave and hoping that our little encounter would lead to something else. Again I am grateful it didn’t because the feelings of guilt and remorse I am feeling now would have intensified.  

Who wants to be “that girl”?—not me.

How do I feel? That’s been the topic of conversation with myself these past few days. I’m not sure how I feel, how I should feel or what I am allowed to feel.  I know what I need to feel though-weird? I know I need to feel like Saturday never happened, and that I never felt good with your arms around me or with good your kisses on my lips were. I know that I need to feel like the words I said to you did not exist—however true they rang. I also need to be aware however good, weird, awkward Saturday felt—it was still wrong. And you called it- I respect you even more for that.

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to figure out what you were thinking and trying to read the expressions that you left me with. It was a major fail on my part. What really stuck out was when you said “Let’s forget it ever happened”. Ideally this would be the best thing to do, but can you really? I know I can’t.  Not until I have a conversation with you about it—until then I won’t be able to forget. 

I hope this experience hasn’t changed your opinions of me, and I hope I haven’t lost a friend in the process. I really appreciate your friendship and our emotional connection—we just need to be mindful and keep it in check all the time. You don’t have to respond to this—hell I’m not even sure you will get a chance to read it, but in case you do I wanted to let you know that everything written comes from the heart.  Talk to you soon

J

When did Rape become a culture???

Over the years I have come to embrace the concept of culture, and different ideologies that make up our Universes’ melting pot. This process includes: being aware and accepting of differences, having my own unique and personal set of practices that characterize my beliefs, being acquainted with different forms of the arts (my views on art go beyond paintings, music, poetry and literature. I’ve come to learn that art is so beautiful because of its subjectivity and creative interpretation), and straying away from normative practices that I never quite fitted into. This cultural embracing has also allowed me to stand against man made concepts such as religion, and embark on finding my purpose in life through a very personal and intimate relationship. I am in a better place mentally, emotionally, spiritually because of this cultural embrace. I am encouraging growth–“I cultivate.”

Like Art, culture is also subjective. Many of us tend to disagree with certain cultural practices because they seem demoralizing, unjust and offensive. Those that practice these forms of culture tend to see it differently, and embrace it. It’s important for us to fight for human rights, civil rights and equality, but we must also accept that certain practices for certain people are forms of growth—except for rape.

In the past couple of weeks there has been a lot of buzz in (social) media about “ending rape culture,” and I am appalled. I have tried my best to avoid reading what either side has to say, but this has become a difficult feat. I’ve come across several tweets, messages and articles that describe rape victims as “harlots who deserve what they get, folks who need to avoid getting raped, or as persons responsible for another’s sexual behavior. Perhaps this is just my own naïveté, but I am appalled that this is even trending as some sort of culture. Rape as a culture implies that it is an acceptable form of abuse, it encourages self-expression, and an art form meant for imitation.

The justifications/defense for rape as a culture includes victim blaming as aforementioned, slut-shaming, glorifying music that encourages/perpetuates rape, and the gross sexualization of men and women. No matter how extraordinary, unjust or unique someone’s culture might be these absolutely do not define a cultural make up. What this defines, however, is the lack of education around why boys/men/women should not rape, the complete disregard for humanity at the conception of the thought to rape another, and dehumanization of the victim. I cannot stress how important it is to use well thought out word choices. Words are a form of art, and they breathe life into our world. Using the term “rape culture” permeates this form of abuse into our being, and makes it socially acceptable to the perpetrators. Let’s just call rape what it is, Rape: a crime.

En tout cas,

me

My vows to forever

My schedule has cleared up a little bit, and I’ve got some time on my hand. I take a vow to listen. There has been so much going on around me, and I haven’t had a chance to just listen, and be obedient to the positive thoughts that infiltrate my spirit…my entire being.

I haven’t had a moment to reflect on my blessings, the beauty of love that surrounds me, and letting light completely penetrate my core.

I vow to feed my spirit fruits of joy, exciting challenges, wholesome love and truths.

I vow to make sacrifices for myself in order to reach my life resolution to succeed- forsaking all negative energy, all toxic relationships, and all things false.

I vow to be patient as the desire of my heart is being fulfilled. Praying fervently that the decision I made was indeed the path I should have gone– for now it’s all I know.

I vow to be slow to anger and be more inviting. I am sure I’ll be better for it.

I’m excited to grow, and these applied vows shall be evidence of my growth. I’ve hanged my disappointments, my attempts to give up, and decided to live.

Amen.Ashe (so be it),

Me

Tired

I just want to throw I’m the towel, but I tell you all so much about why you shouldn’t. I’m just tired….

Heaven I need a hug

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

As I open up my heart, and let in the love that surrounds me my girl Elizabeth Barrett Browning details the true meaning of how I should love. She doesn’t measure the amount of her love to her partners love, and doesn’t love because she is loved.  She loves selflessly, gently and genuinely.
Yes, I do love you and if you wait a while I may even love you Lizzie BB style ;-).

 

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight for the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday’s most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right; I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use in my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints, I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life, and if God choose I shall but love thee better after death.

—Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This is for my sisters

Dear Daughters of Eve,

EUREKA! I have been granted the opportunity to help save your life! I have been tasked to be your advocate. I am here for you to answer any questions, help alleviate any medical barriers to care that you may face, and just to be a saving grace. I do this because you deserve access, you deserve proper care, and you deserve the love that I have pouring out of my entire being.

This is all to say that I am currently working as a Research Assistant/Patient Advocate at a hospital, and I am so excited about the opportunities to come! My sole focus is early detection of Breast Cancer, and navigating women and their families through the system. I am their unofficial social worker, mother, sister, aunt, counselor and all around super heroin. This is temporary though as I wait to hear on one of the most important decisions I made in my life!!

Stay tuned

En tout cas,

Me

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