Got me so crazy right now

Hey there,

You’ve told me countless time last Saturday to not worry about it, but it’s been hard to put it out of my mind.  So I will say what I’ve said over and over again one last time: I am sorry.  I am sorry for a lot of things. Not because of what happened because I think this needed to happen.  I needed to not have control over my emotions for one second and be vulnerable for a few moments—for once in my life. I apologize for putting you in a complicated position right now in your life, and for making you do what is possibly uncharacteristic of you. I imagine what would have happened if time was on our side. I am grateful that it wasn’t. 

I also am sorry for waiting this long to show you this emotional side of me.  I confess it’s always been there, but I am amazing at faking the funk. I can’t really say how this made you feel, but if it were me I would be scared, confused and upset. I would ask myself “Why is she showing me now what I would have liked to see so long ago.”  Truth is I am emotionally insecure particularly when it comes to you. Not sure why or when that began, but I always felt that I shouldn’t ever let you know how I really feel. In the back of my mind it’s always like what you are feeling can’t be real—nothing is ever real (at least not for me or they just never seem real).

I’m sorry for crying because I imagine how that made you feel. It was selfish of me to make the situation even more awkward then it was.  I cried because I fucked up—I truly did. I let my boundaries get in the way of my emotions and I’ve heard a few times eventually the walls come crumbling down. They didn’t need to come down on your kitchen floor—seriously.

To be honest I can’t even recall how this began on Saturday. One minute we were talking then the next I was wrapped in your arms not wanting you to leave and hoping that our little encounter would lead to something else. Again I am grateful it didn’t because the feelings of guilt and remorse I am feeling now would have intensified.  

Who wants to be “that girl”?—not me.

How do I feel? That’s been the topic of conversation with myself these past few days. I’m not sure how I feel, how I should feel or what I am allowed to feel.  I know what I need to feel though-weird? I know I need to feel like Saturday never happened, and that I never felt good with your arms around me or with good your kisses on my lips were. I know that I need to feel like the words I said to you did not exist—however true they rang. I also need to be aware however good, weird, awkward Saturday felt—it was still wrong. And you called it- I respect you even more for that.

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to figure out what you were thinking and trying to read the expressions that you left me with. It was a major fail on my part. What really stuck out was when you said “Let’s forget it ever happened”. Ideally this would be the best thing to do, but can you really? I know I can’t.  Not until I have a conversation with you about it—until then I won’t be able to forget. 

I hope this experience hasn’t changed your opinions of me, and I hope I haven’t lost a friend in the process. I really appreciate your friendship and our emotional connection—we just need to be mindful and keep it in check all the time. You don’t have to respond to this—hell I’m not even sure you will get a chance to read it, but in case you do I wanted to let you know that everything written comes from the heart.  Talk to you soon

J

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